As we move into a period of stillness during this time of year, the days become darker for longer periods, the leaves fall off the tree, the seeds are scattered on the ground to lie in wait for the coming spring. We too are called to sit in that darkness, go inward, to acknowledge, release and let go of those shadows, traumas, emotions, behaviours and patterns which no longer serve serve our higher good.
Death surrounds us during this time of year. As we begin to surrender, we release the fear of death, and instead face the excitement of rebirth, emerging from the shadows radiating Light from within, knowing birth, death and rebirth is the natural cycle.
Eight years ago I began the search for my birth parents. I quickly was able to connect with my birth father, but finding my birth mother proved a far greater task. I cannot tell you how many times my excuses for not being able to find her changed throughout the past few years. Fear, fear of rejection and abandonment (again) surfaced in so many different forms. Two years ago I found some leads for my birth mother, but somehow I still hit dead ends. Looking back I realized, they weren’t dead ends… rather the timing was not yet right for me to face my biggest and deepest gaping wound: abandonment.
Recently, I decided to gather my courage and contact my 88 year old biological maternal grandmother. Amidst her shock to hear from me, she was able to share a lot of information for me regarding my birth mother. My nerves settled the moment she acknowledged she knew of me, but hadn’t been spoken of since my birth 40 years ago. She took my contact information and would pass it to my birth mother to see if she would be interested in contacting me. The grandmother advised me I was welcome to contact her again if I would like.
Knowing my birth mother had my contact information and the ball was in her court to contact me (if she wanted) brought on an entirely new set of insecurities and fear for me. For me, it was loss of control in the situation. I quickly realized — there was no need for me to control the situation. This was my only job — to surrender and trust the Divine was working on my behalf for my highest good.
A few days later I received an email from my birth mother, filled with mixed emotions, insecurities, fear and yet excitement. The biggest emotion I felt hearing from her was relief. For forty years, I had been able to make up whatever story suited me regarding my birth mother, and now… the actual story was at my fingertips. With abandonment of my fears, I allowed myself to be vulnerable and to let go of all the stories I had told myself. I was not abandoned. I was surrendered. What an incredible gift my birth mother gave me, both on my birth, and now in my 40th year of life. The death of “not knowing” in me, allowing the phase of rebirth to emerge in my own being.
I was surrendered so that I might have a better life than the one she could provide. It became so important to me over the past year to know where I came from, what my roots were. And not so that I knew my genetics, but so that I would know the circumstances of my entry into this world so that I could lovingly release my oldest deepest wound, so I could move forward and embrace new life, whole, without limitation and deep grief of not knowing. As I work through these deep emotions I feel a lightening and excitement as I move into rebirth.
As we move into this season of darkening, release and rebirth, what new seeds of intention will you plant? What are you willing to let go of?